I'm done...

Being nice is the easiest and the hardest thing I do. I am a giving person. I try to make others happy before myself most always, but recently I feel the need to stop being so nice. I am a friendly girl with a pretty good head on my shoulders. I just get really tired of doing and doing and giving and trying for people who claim to care about me, but in reality just kind of use me up. Today I say I'm done; I'm finished; finé; final. I deserve better friends and a lot more respect than what people show me. I listen to everyone's problems but no one seems to find the time to listen to mine. I hold it all in and then I blow up on the people who love me most, my family. If you're reading this, please remember to be loving and honest with people. If you complain a lot to your friend, be sure to remind yourself that your friend needs you, YOU, to listen to them as well. Know where to draw the line. I'm drawing mine... 

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Happy V********* Day 

Marsh

2/14

/14

Thankful

You really have made me realize how thankful I am! You have let me just walk into your life and make you smile and laugh everyday, and that's something I will always be thankful for. I'm thankful to finally have the opportunity to talk to you every day. I've known you for so many years. I know I don't see you much, but I'm excited to have a face to face relationship with you! God has timing right when it's the best time. For now. I will keep praying for you and for your precious mamma. I'll be here for you to talk to or just be someone to look at. I wish I could make our friendship our relationship longer, but God knows what he's doing. You're wonderful young man. You truly are. No wrong in your rights... You've always been approved.... And that's something I should have taken more seriously. Thank you for what you do. You are so strong inside and out. Gods plans may not be your plans but I'll always be here for you no matter the situation. You are the best kind of special I've ever met. You are my kind of special. No one can  break the friendship we have. You are the real dills. 

Everyone else

Everyone else seems so happy. I mean I'm happy, but it just gets old having people ask you the same questions and you give the same answers because you have the same predictable life. No I do not have a boyfriend. No I do not know where I want to go to school. No I am not for sure what I want to major in. No I don't think I'll be getting married next. No I don't need a boyfriend right now. No I don't .... No I don't... 

Seems pretty negative right? Well it does affect me saying no to the same question because it seems like nothing has changed for me. Nothing drastic enough to change my life in some way. I know I'll be saying yes to people instead of no. It all will just continue to take time. I'll continue to say no until No's turn into sweet blissful Yes's. 

For I know the plans I have for you... - God 

Jer. 29:11 

Why not?

Why can't someone see me the way they see other girls. I swear I feel like it's only me. All my friends are seen differently. I'm always just another good pal or buddy. I get so fed up with being another guys buddy. I love having guy friends, don't get me wrong, but I don't like being so different all the time. I mean can you not just notice me? Am I that unique? Is it

My body? Is it my weight? My hair? My face? My height? My small hands? My eye color? Is it my personality? My characteristics? What is it about me that turns guys into instant friend zone material? Do I not wear enough makeup? Do I wear too much? Do I dress pretty enough? Do I make you stop and stare? I mean come on! It's just the amount of fairness in this situation is low. I don't know what to do but to be myself! Why should I have to think about changing when someone could just notice me and smile at me? Being unique is hard... But I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I know someone is out there looking... But I don't know who. I jump to conclusions and I assume people look at me in the way I want and I find out that's all false. Everyone finds their someone and I am left alone. Why? Why can't you pick the right jewel out of the jewel box! It's not that hard! Just find the shining star... That's me. I've been waiting... I'll keep waiting. 

- thanks to Ryan for being such a good friend. Your girlfriend is blessed my friend. I'm thankful you aren't worried about having a best

Friend that's female and a girlfriend too. Keep kickin' dragon boy. 

12/19/13

Seriously?

God works in mysterious ways. I sinned and then today the sermon was spot on. I sang for Jesus I spoke for Jesus and I listened to the words of my pastor and heard god talking to me through him. It's exactly what I needed. Short sweet and to the point. Why have I spent so much time worrying about my future and relationships when god has it under control. I have had someone grow so strong with my help and I could only help because of god. This person treats me better than anyone has. He has been by my side through almost everything for five years almost. He may not fit the standards of my family, but he is a gentleman. He has changed for the better. Practice what you preach is something I know I need to work on. Don't talk the talk just walk the walk. I need to be the examples I set for others. I need to stop pushing people away when they are the ones who love me and care about me the most. I need to stop seeing the good in everyone because not everyone has good. I need to think less and pray more. I need to just do! I need to stop staying up so late and stop trying to find someone to talk to when I'm lonely. My time will come when it comes. For now, I just need to be happy with what I have and thankful for an all loving and all forgiving God who put me here in the first place. His guidance is what I need and his love I crave. I know I'm not supposed to be a Luke warm Christian. I'm also subtle about my faith. I share my thoughts only here because I know others out there who may read this can possibly relate. You have a purpose. Someone out there that is your soul mate, he/she will come when The Lord says it's time. That person feels the way you do. They can picture you in their head and how wonderful you will be with them. Just you wait my dears. I no longer have to react to the devil. My reaction will be no more and I will turn to my friends, family, and of course my bible and God. I may be a sinner but I try to change my ways always. It's a struggle but stop fighting the crowd and let the crowd move you. 

This picture isn't mine but I added a saying that is close to my heart. Maybe it will mean something to you too. Much love your way! Happy December! 

12/1/13 

The struggle

It's like I can't even let go. I can't repent because I can't stop. Does the devil has his hold on me? I'm scared because this temptation has the tightest grip on me. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do it to others I care about? Why is this temptation I hold in my body so hard to get out! It's poison for me... For now. I've been told this temptation I have is normal... And then others have told me to FLEE! I want to do both, but God doesn't do "both". I feel like I'm being tested.... Like he's just throwing the temptation at me or the devil is idk anymore and that's not good at all. I want to repent, but I'm actually scared. 

Is there something in your life that you constantly fight yourself over? My struggle is temptation! Just know that God is there to guide you. As for me and probably many others, I (we) are confused in the moment. We should seek God now More than EVER! 

-I know my posts are religious, but I'd really like some feedback on how I'm doing! If you read my blog then thank you! You don't understand how much it means for someone to read my thoughts and maybe understand them. 

Why?

Temptation is thrown at me every single day. It's a problem that I face as a teenager... Just like all the others. My faith is distant... And that kills me the most because I know it. I'm Luke warm... I'm the Luke warm Christian that sees her mistakes and continues to make them over and over. Empty promises. They are out in front of me every time I talk to someone or begin to "trust". I don't understand why I fall in the traps of the devil... Or why any of us do. I understand I'm not perfect, but lately I haven't exactly tried. The influences in my life are either great or not so awesome. At least I'm clean... Yes sir I'm clean. That's the greatest gift I can receive. I can wake up without the regret of giving myself to someone because baby that's gonna be for my future husband. I can wake up sober every morning because alcohol is not appealing to be really. I can wake up right in the head because I don't find enjoyment in popping pills or those who do so. I don't smoke and I don't party. I am clean. I am not perfect. I crave attention from the male gender at times. It's because of my lack of being "noticed" by guys. Always been one of the boys... And although I've learned to accept it and actually enjoy it, I still want to be called beautiful and I want to have someone look at me the way boys who like girls, look at girls, do. Not in the disrespectful way, but in the "she's beautiful inside and out" kind of way. This is the temptation. I think I'm afraid of dating. I'm afraid of being taken advantage of, yet I do it on a weekly basis without knowing. I talk to guys. I talk... They talk... We talk. We talk for a long time but we never date. He's never my boyfriend and I'm never his girlfriend. Ugh I don't know... Or understand because I know god has a plan for me but I don't know what it is yet. I just want to find out... I just want to find me. I want to take life by the reigns and follow the light god shines down for me... But with all these distractions and temptations it's hard. God made me a sweet person. As conceded as that may sound it is true. Unless you aren't respectful towards me, I usually can't be mean to you. So when temptation smacks me in the face... I can't say no. I can't back away. I can't stand up for what I want because I don't want to be lonely. Honestly I make myself sick at times... Because I know I shouldn't lower my standards... But feeling like no one likes you can make a girl become sad and confused. Maybe he's out there... Maybe ill be single and adopt a kid some day... Maybe ill be some sort of missionary. Maybe ill be a nutritionist who travels around the world to help kids and adults... Maybe ill have my own family. Maybe ill be a business woman who saves the world... Nah I can't save the world. Maybe ill be making up for lost time with god... Whatever I do I just need to figure myself out... And trust things will be alright. There is a rhyme and a reason for things and I need to plant that in my thick skull. I'm definitely my fathers daughter... And I pray I get back on track as my Lord's daughter... I pray. 

Hebrews 4:15 

Remember you're loved. 

-Marcia