Why?

Temptation is thrown at me every single day. It's a problem that I face as a teenager... Just like all the others. My faith is distant... And that kills me the most because I know it. I'm Luke warm... I'm the Luke warm Christian that sees her mistakes and continues to make them over and over. Empty promises. They are out in front of me every time I talk to someone or begin to "trust". I don't understand why I fall in the traps of the devil... Or why any of us do. I understand I'm not perfect, but lately I haven't exactly tried. The influences in my life are either great or not so awesome. At least I'm clean... Yes sir I'm clean. That's the greatest gift I can receive. I can wake up without the regret of giving myself to someone because baby that's gonna be for my future husband. I can wake up sober every morning because alcohol is not appealing to be really. I can wake up right in the head because I don't find enjoyment in popping pills or those who do so. I don't smoke and I don't party. I am clean. I am not perfect. I crave attention from the male gender at times. It's because of my lack of being "noticed" by guys. Always been one of the boys... And although I've learned to accept it and actually enjoy it, I still want to be called beautiful and I want to have someone look at me the way boys who like girls, look at girls, do. Not in the disrespectful way, but in the "she's beautiful inside and out" kind of way. This is the temptation. I think I'm afraid of dating. I'm afraid of being taken advantage of, yet I do it on a weekly basis without knowing. I talk to guys. I talk... They talk... We talk. We talk for a long time but we never date. He's never my boyfriend and I'm never his girlfriend. Ugh I don't know... Or understand because I know god has a plan for me but I don't know what it is yet. I just want to find out... I just want to find me. I want to take life by the reigns and follow the light god shines down for me... But with all these distractions and temptations it's hard. God made me a sweet person. As conceded as that may sound it is true. Unless you aren't respectful towards me, I usually can't be mean to you. So when temptation smacks me in the face... I can't say no. I can't back away. I can't stand up for what I want because I don't want to be lonely. Honestly I make myself sick at times... Because I know I shouldn't lower my standards... But feeling like no one likes you can make a girl become sad and confused. Maybe he's out there... Maybe ill be single and adopt a kid some day... Maybe ill be some sort of missionary. Maybe ill be a nutritionist who travels around the world to help kids and adults... Maybe ill have my own family. Maybe ill be a business woman who saves the world... Nah I can't save the world. Maybe ill be making up for lost time with god... Whatever I do I just need to figure myself out... And trust things will be alright. There is a rhyme and a reason for things and I need to plant that in my thick skull. I'm definitely my fathers daughter... And I pray I get back on track as my Lord's daughter... I pray. 

Hebrews 4:15 

Remember you're loved. 

-Marcia