Why not?

Why can't someone see me the way they see other girls. I swear I feel like it's only me. All my friends are seen differently. I'm always just another good pal or buddy. I get so fed up with being another guys buddy. I love having guy friends, don't get me wrong, but I don't like being so different all the time. I mean can you not just notice me? Am I that unique? Is it

My body? Is it my weight? My hair? My face? My height? My small hands? My eye color? Is it my personality? My characteristics? What is it about me that turns guys into instant friend zone material? Do I not wear enough makeup? Do I wear too much? Do I dress pretty enough? Do I make you stop and stare? I mean come on! It's just the amount of fairness in this situation is low. I don't know what to do but to be myself! Why should I have to think about changing when someone could just notice me and smile at me? Being unique is hard... But I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I know someone is out there looking... But I don't know who. I jump to conclusions and I assume people look at me in the way I want and I find out that's all false. Everyone finds their someone and I am left alone. Why? Why can't you pick the right jewel out of the jewel box! It's not that hard! Just find the shining star... That's me. I've been waiting... I'll keep waiting. 

- thanks to Ryan for being such a good friend. Your girlfriend is blessed my friend. I'm thankful you aren't worried about having a best

Friend that's female and a girlfriend too. Keep kickin' dragon boy. 

12/19/13

Seriously?

God works in mysterious ways. I sinned and then today the sermon was spot on. I sang for Jesus I spoke for Jesus and I listened to the words of my pastor and heard god talking to me through him. It's exactly what I needed. Short sweet and to the point. Why have I spent so much time worrying about my future and relationships when god has it under control. I have had someone grow so strong with my help and I could only help because of god. This person treats me better than anyone has. He has been by my side through almost everything for five years almost. He may not fit the standards of my family, but he is a gentleman. He has changed for the better. Practice what you preach is something I know I need to work on. Don't talk the talk just walk the walk. I need to be the examples I set for others. I need to stop pushing people away when they are the ones who love me and care about me the most. I need to stop seeing the good in everyone because not everyone has good. I need to think less and pray more. I need to just do! I need to stop staying up so late and stop trying to find someone to talk to when I'm lonely. My time will come when it comes. For now, I just need to be happy with what I have and thankful for an all loving and all forgiving God who put me here in the first place. His guidance is what I need and his love I crave. I know I'm not supposed to be a Luke warm Christian. I'm also subtle about my faith. I share my thoughts only here because I know others out there who may read this can possibly relate. You have a purpose. Someone out there that is your soul mate, he/she will come when The Lord says it's time. That person feels the way you do. They can picture you in their head and how wonderful you will be with them. Just you wait my dears. I no longer have to react to the devil. My reaction will be no more and I will turn to my friends, family, and of course my bible and God. I may be a sinner but I try to change my ways always. It's a struggle but stop fighting the crowd and let the crowd move you. 

This picture isn't mine but I added a saying that is close to my heart. Maybe it will mean something to you too. Much love your way! Happy December! 

12/1/13 

The struggle

It's like I can't even let go. I can't repent because I can't stop. Does the devil has his hold on me? I'm scared because this temptation has the tightest grip on me. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do it to others I care about? Why is this temptation I hold in my body so hard to get out! It's poison for me... For now. I've been told this temptation I have is normal... And then others have told me to FLEE! I want to do both, but God doesn't do "both". I feel like I'm being tested.... Like he's just throwing the temptation at me or the devil is idk anymore and that's not good at all. I want to repent, but I'm actually scared. 

Is there something in your life that you constantly fight yourself over? My struggle is temptation! Just know that God is there to guide you. As for me and probably many others, I (we) are confused in the moment. We should seek God now More than EVER! 

-I know my posts are religious, but I'd really like some feedback on how I'm doing! If you read my blog then thank you! You don't understand how much it means for someone to read my thoughts and maybe understand them. 

Why?

Temptation is thrown at me every single day. It's a problem that I face as a teenager... Just like all the others. My faith is distant... And that kills me the most because I know it. I'm Luke warm... I'm the Luke warm Christian that sees her mistakes and continues to make them over and over. Empty promises. They are out in front of me every time I talk to someone or begin to "trust". I don't understand why I fall in the traps of the devil... Or why any of us do. I understand I'm not perfect, but lately I haven't exactly tried. The influences in my life are either great or not so awesome. At least I'm clean... Yes sir I'm clean. That's the greatest gift I can receive. I can wake up without the regret of giving myself to someone because baby that's gonna be for my future husband. I can wake up sober every morning because alcohol is not appealing to be really. I can wake up right in the head because I don't find enjoyment in popping pills or those who do so. I don't smoke and I don't party. I am clean. I am not perfect. I crave attention from the male gender at times. It's because of my lack of being "noticed" by guys. Always been one of the boys... And although I've learned to accept it and actually enjoy it, I still want to be called beautiful and I want to have someone look at me the way boys who like girls, look at girls, do. Not in the disrespectful way, but in the "she's beautiful inside and out" kind of way. This is the temptation. I think I'm afraid of dating. I'm afraid of being taken advantage of, yet I do it on a weekly basis without knowing. I talk to guys. I talk... They talk... We talk. We talk for a long time but we never date. He's never my boyfriend and I'm never his girlfriend. Ugh I don't know... Or understand because I know god has a plan for me but I don't know what it is yet. I just want to find out... I just want to find me. I want to take life by the reigns and follow the light god shines down for me... But with all these distractions and temptations it's hard. God made me a sweet person. As conceded as that may sound it is true. Unless you aren't respectful towards me, I usually can't be mean to you. So when temptation smacks me in the face... I can't say no. I can't back away. I can't stand up for what I want because I don't want to be lonely. Honestly I make myself sick at times... Because I know I shouldn't lower my standards... But feeling like no one likes you can make a girl become sad and confused. Maybe he's out there... Maybe ill be single and adopt a kid some day... Maybe ill be some sort of missionary. Maybe ill be a nutritionist who travels around the world to help kids and adults... Maybe ill have my own family. Maybe ill be a business woman who saves the world... Nah I can't save the world. Maybe ill be making up for lost time with god... Whatever I do I just need to figure myself out... And trust things will be alright. There is a rhyme and a reason for things and I need to plant that in my thick skull. I'm definitely my fathers daughter... And I pray I get back on track as my Lord's daughter... I pray. 

Hebrews 4:15 

Remember you're loved. 

-Marcia 

A little growing up...

A little growing up never hurt anyone. Honestly though, I do it each day. Today though I went through a little rough patch. This patch of roughness caused me to think hard. Haha I don't like to think hard, but yes I did indeed. I had a little talk with someone today. I then proceeded to make this person realize that he/she (not going to say) is very deserving and wonderful. I want to share the same words of encouragement and love with you all who read my blog! Basically I am going to tell you to grow up. I am saying this out of all the goodness from my heart( and trust me there is a lot of goodness I try to share not tooting my own horn, it's how God made me). I'm telling you to understand how to grow up and realize that you deserve love and happiness and friends and family that love you more than you know. I'm telling you that you can finally put down the things that get you away from the real world like drugs and alcohol and razor blades and chemicals that just take you away to what you think is better but is not at all. Doing these things are in no way shape or form beneficial to you or your health. Grow up. Grow up because you can leave your hurt and lonely on the hanger and create this whole new life that you call your own. Change the things you have always longed to change because you have the chance when you grow up. Grow up because opportunities will be smacking you on the face and you'll have to either shut them out or jump right in. Grow up because you need to get it through your thick skull that you're worth something in this world. Grow up because having patience and being unselfish is going to make you a better, stronger, happier, and wiser person. Grow up because you need to. Grow up because you seek to. Grow up because you deserve to. Just remember this please... And if you haven't read it amongst the rest of the words I typed.... Grow up and you're loved.

Marcia Louise
4/17/13

Don't lose faith...

I try. I try to keep my faith and keep a positive attitude. It's hard. I try to have hope in my eyes and my heart. I try to let my happy self shine. I try to remember things get better and with God all things are possible. Sometimes you get down in the dumps and you think all is lost. You get in this funk and every possible thing you've ever done that made you hurt comes to mind. It is not fun. I try to let it out and once it's out, I just breathe. I turn on some music and look in the mirror and if I cry... I cry. I finish and try to smile and usually it turns out ok. Things get to me easily. Once words have smacked me in the face and I know they're real, I lose it. One thing I will try my hardest not to lose is my faith. With faith I can do all things. I can sing. I can smile. I can laugh and cry. I can believe. I can dream... I just pray my faith continues so I can turn my dreams into reality. I believe things happen for a reason and when the reason comes before me... Ill try to be ready. Don't lose faith. Keep your head up princess because you were made to move mountains. Just keep on trying and stay forever beautiful.

Remember you're loved.

Tonight.

Tonight I lie here in my bed. I lie under the covers and rest my head on a pillow. I smile. Tonight I SMILE! Tonight I think about things I like things I love things I don't like or love... And things I want to change and need to change. Tonight I wonder and imagine life... Tonight I paint pretty pictures in my mind and bold beautiful words in my heart. Tonight all is well. Tonight I realize life goes on... Life gets better... Life can taste so sweet. Tonight I realize life is forever going to have ups and downs and I do believe my god in heaven wouldn't place downs on people if he knew it wouldn't help them grow. When you are down you can either have patience or become aggravated. You can worry or relax. Tonight I realize that we learn to accept the downs in our life so when good things come, we become happier and full of joy. Tonight I smile for all in my life is going to be just fine. I smile for the heartache and that I know it will soon fade and I will learn to be just fine. I will learn to follow my lord and do as he leads me. It's what I always try to do. Tonight Im not hard on myself. Tonight I'm saying "Marcia you'll make it sweet girl". Tonight... Tonight I pray and I thank God for all his love and glory. Tonight I feel whole again.

Tonight I love.