Why?

Temptation is thrown at me every single day. It's a problem that I face as a teenager... Just like all the others. My faith is distant... And that kills me the most because I know it. I'm Luke warm... I'm the Luke warm Christian that sees her mistakes and continues to make them over and over. Empty promises. They are out in front of me every time I talk to someone or begin to "trust". I don't understand why I fall in the traps of the devil... Or why any of us do. I understand I'm not perfect, but lately I haven't exactly tried. The influences in my life are either great or not so awesome. At least I'm clean... Yes sir I'm clean. That's the greatest gift I can receive. I can wake up without the regret of giving myself to someone because baby that's gonna be for my future husband. I can wake up sober every morning because alcohol is not appealing to be really. I can wake up right in the head because I don't find enjoyment in popping pills or those who do so. I don't smoke and I don't party. I am clean. I am not perfect. I crave attention from the male gender at times. It's because of my lack of being "noticed" by guys. Always been one of the boys... And although I've learned to accept it and actually enjoy it, I still want to be called beautiful and I want to have someone look at me the way boys who like girls, look at girls, do. Not in the disrespectful way, but in the "she's beautiful inside and out" kind of way. This is the temptation. I think I'm afraid of dating. I'm afraid of being taken advantage of, yet I do it on a weekly basis without knowing. I talk to guys. I talk... They talk... We talk. We talk for a long time but we never date. He's never my boyfriend and I'm never his girlfriend. Ugh I don't know... Or understand because I know god has a plan for me but I don't know what it is yet. I just want to find out... I just want to find me. I want to take life by the reigns and follow the light god shines down for me... But with all these distractions and temptations it's hard. God made me a sweet person. As conceded as that may sound it is true. Unless you aren't respectful towards me, I usually can't be mean to you. So when temptation smacks me in the face... I can't say no. I can't back away. I can't stand up for what I want because I don't want to be lonely. Honestly I make myself sick at times... Because I know I shouldn't lower my standards... But feeling like no one likes you can make a girl become sad and confused. Maybe he's out there... Maybe ill be single and adopt a kid some day... Maybe ill be some sort of missionary. Maybe ill be a nutritionist who travels around the world to help kids and adults... Maybe ill have my own family. Maybe ill be a business woman who saves the world... Nah I can't save the world. Maybe ill be making up for lost time with god... Whatever I do I just need to figure myself out... And trust things will be alright. There is a rhyme and a reason for things and I need to plant that in my thick skull. I'm definitely my fathers daughter... And I pray I get back on track as my Lord's daughter... I pray. 

Hebrews 4:15 

Remember you're loved. 

-Marcia 

A little growing up...

A little growing up never hurt anyone. Honestly though, I do it each day. Today though I went through a little rough patch. This patch of roughness caused me to think hard. Haha I don't like to think hard, but yes I did indeed. I had a little talk with someone today. I then proceeded to make this person realize that he/she (not going to say) is very deserving and wonderful. I want to share the same words of encouragement and love with you all who read my blog! Basically I am going to tell you to grow up. I am saying this out of all the goodness from my heart( and trust me there is a lot of goodness I try to share not tooting my own horn, it's how God made me). I'm telling you to understand how to grow up and realize that you deserve love and happiness and friends and family that love you more than you know. I'm telling you that you can finally put down the things that get you away from the real world like drugs and alcohol and razor blades and chemicals that just take you away to what you think is better but is not at all. Doing these things are in no way shape or form beneficial to you or your health. Grow up. Grow up because you can leave your hurt and lonely on the hanger and create this whole new life that you call your own. Change the things you have always longed to change because you have the chance when you grow up. Grow up because opportunities will be smacking you on the face and you'll have to either shut them out or jump right in. Grow up because you need to get it through your thick skull that you're worth something in this world. Grow up because having patience and being unselfish is going to make you a better, stronger, happier, and wiser person. Grow up because you need to. Grow up because you seek to. Grow up because you deserve to. Just remember this please... And if you haven't read it amongst the rest of the words I typed.... Grow up and you're loved.

Marcia Louise
4/17/13

Don't lose faith...

I try. I try to keep my faith and keep a positive attitude. It's hard. I try to have hope in my eyes and my heart. I try to let my happy self shine. I try to remember things get better and with God all things are possible. Sometimes you get down in the dumps and you think all is lost. You get in this funk and every possible thing you've ever done that made you hurt comes to mind. It is not fun. I try to let it out and once it's out, I just breathe. I turn on some music and look in the mirror and if I cry... I cry. I finish and try to smile and usually it turns out ok. Things get to me easily. Once words have smacked me in the face and I know they're real, I lose it. One thing I will try my hardest not to lose is my faith. With faith I can do all things. I can sing. I can smile. I can laugh and cry. I can believe. I can dream... I just pray my faith continues so I can turn my dreams into reality. I believe things happen for a reason and when the reason comes before me... Ill try to be ready. Don't lose faith. Keep your head up princess because you were made to move mountains. Just keep on trying and stay forever beautiful.

Remember you're loved.

Tonight.

Tonight I lie here in my bed. I lie under the covers and rest my head on a pillow. I smile. Tonight I SMILE! Tonight I think about things I like things I love things I don't like or love... And things I want to change and need to change. Tonight I wonder and imagine life... Tonight I paint pretty pictures in my mind and bold beautiful words in my heart. Tonight all is well. Tonight I realize life goes on... Life gets better... Life can taste so sweet. Tonight I realize life is forever going to have ups and downs and I do believe my god in heaven wouldn't place downs on people if he knew it wouldn't help them grow. When you are down you can either have patience or become aggravated. You can worry or relax. Tonight I realize that we learn to accept the downs in our life so when good things come, we become happier and full of joy. Tonight I smile for all in my life is going to be just fine. I smile for the heartache and that I know it will soon fade and I will learn to be just fine. I will learn to follow my lord and do as he leads me. It's what I always try to do. Tonight Im not hard on myself. Tonight I'm saying "Marcia you'll make it sweet girl". Tonight... Tonight I pray and I thank God for all his love and glory. Tonight I feel whole again.

Tonight I love.

Life.

Today was weird. Today I felt something I haven't in a while... Relief and heartache. Relief because some things are off my chest. Heartache because reality has kicked in and all the things I thought I once had, I am losing slowly. I also gained a sense of calmness. God has put his hand on my heart to calm me and tell me it's ok. Tonight I drink my hot tea and cry. I get out all these feelings I've kept inside. Tonight I think and I dream. Tomorrow I push through and I keep going with my head high. Life has happened today. Life has showed me so much in a number of hours and all I can do is be blessed and overwhelmed. My best friend always tells me that everything in life is either a lesson or a blessing. I have had my share of both today. I'm blessed for many things. I've learned a lesson... I have to keep going and realize life is going to push me down. I have to be the one to stand back up and try again. I do. So here's for today... Life happened and it surely was a lesson and truly a blessing.

Calm..

So today was lazy. Do you ever have those days when you just know you need to do things but your body needs to rest? That's basically my day. I was in bed until 1 this afternoon. I did some laundry and ate a late lunch. I continued to eat a snack of carrots and strawberries here and there! Then I would lay in bed again. I watched YouTube and just let my mind relax and laugh and breathe today. I did homework last minute and now I'm just enjoying the low lighting of my office. I made some hot tea and I decided it was a perfect time to write what's on my mind and how my day went. My day was filled with rain and sweet dewy mist coming through my window screen. It was filled with music. All kinds of music calming me to where I couldn't stand it. Filled with laughter and smiling faces; my day was one I needed. My day has almost ended, for it is night time and my tea is becoming cooler by the minute. I hope your day was peaceful. Have sweet dreams if you're reading this! Remember please that you're loved. <3

Marcia Louise

3/24/13

not much to think about.. yeah right.

Today I have not much to write about...been a few days...maybe a few weeks. Life is busy. Busy, not really a thing, but takes away from all the good sometimes that you really want and need in life. Busy. What is busy? Why are we all so Busy? It's like ingrained in us to constantly be doing something. No time for rest. No time for reading, laughing, singing, dreaming, or sleeping. Sleep... sleep has been lost. Oh well! part of life i guess you could say. less nights spent up too late... talking... thinking. Overthinking. Lost in your thoughts. That is the worst....
You think so much that it leads to other things... whatever that may be. You search through your mind and your day. You find things good or not so good. YOu process them and decide,"Hey I think i wanna be in a certain mood now because I'm just thinking too much and i really just want and need attention". Honestly, we can all say we've done this. It's like every night and it can be good. Idt can also hurt you. Hurtothers. I don't know. Not too sure. This is me over thinking once again.A busy human lost in wonder of the  everyday world. I guess it's just me. no it's probably not. ha... So this is whawt happens when there isn't anything much to WRITE ABOUT. Enjoy your day... or try to!